An Emperor's Many Tales
by Melodyic.Rhyme
Summary: Once a prince becomes Emperor, his history is recorded and saved for the archives of Xing history. However, no one had ever heard tales quite like the ones Ling Yao had to tell, as in each one he finds a new way to cause havoc and embarrass Lan Fan.
1. Tale One: The Festival

**Author's Note: **Well, I haven't uploaded here in awhile. Let's get right down to it, then! This is going to be a collection of comedy/crack fic featuring everyone's favorite Xing prince and his bodyguard! This first one could be though of as an expansion of my previous upload, Stories.

**The True Tale of How an (future) Emperor (kind if) Seduced His Guard Single-Handedly (with the help of a gold fish) in One Night**

**(alternative title: The Festival)**

The twelfth prince of Xing had a serious problem.

That problem was that he always dragged his bodyguards in to whatever whimsical idea he dreamt up. Well, at least one of them.

Of course, Ling also had a mastery of words, and undoubtedly that would serve him well as emperor, but Lan Fan thought it to be her enemy at that moment. He had shared his crazy idea of going to the festival with her, and of course, she protested, but he went on about knowing the people and how he would need her there with him, and somehow Lan Fan listened to all of this.

So now they were walking down the road to the festival, Ling looking just as chipper as he could be. Lan Fan walked a bit behind him, keeping a respectful distance.

"You know Lan Fan, you're going to make people suspicious walking behind me like that," He said, "You can relax, it's a festival, after all!"

"I'm only going to keep you out of trouble, Young Master."

Ling laughed, merrily saying, "Right, of course. However, that is another thing. We need to slip by unnoticed, so you cannot call me Young Master tonight," He stopped, rubbing his chin. "But around here, 'Ling Yao' would also tip people off. I need a cover name,"

Lan Fan thought for a moment, thinking the name change to be silly. "What about Kuai?" She proposed, simply picking the first thing to came to her mind.

"Yes, that works! Thank You, Lan Fan, let us be on our way!" He said, marching on joyfully again. Lan Fan followed him, knowing she need not bother with a cover name. She was merely a guardian shadow, watching out for him.

Although when the entered the festival, she did not feel much like a shadow at all. She somewhat blended in, her red robes matching the lateens and booths of the festival, but there were so many other colors around it was almost as if you could find a single person by calling out their color. Ling was not daunted by this in the slightest. He darted around, looking at everything with a child-like wonder. With his bangs pulled back, Lan Fan could see both of his eyes shining as bright as the lanterns.

After looking around he darted back to her, sliding his arm around hers and tugging in the direction he had come.

"Hey, Lan Fan, want to catch some fish?"

"Fish? Why on earth would you want to do that, Yo-um, Kuai?"

"Well, why not?" He said. Ling dragged her to the booth and kneeled down in front of it, Lan Fan doing the same. There was a shallow pool, little more than a foot it seemed, filled with bright little gold fish swimming about.

After receiving the bowl and scoop, Ling unabashedly made his attempt. He failed, the fish flailing and tearing the scoop. He tried again, and failed.

After the third attempt, Lan Fan sighed and figured she needed to do it herself.  
"You need to be slow so you don't scare it," She explained, carefully dipping the scoop under an unsuspecting fish. "But when you have it, you need to be quick and get it into the bowl." She went on, doing just that. She held out the bowl to Ling, who smiled in amazement.

"That's so cool, Lan Fan!"

"It's just a goldfish catching game," She stated, but she pluses all the same.

"Let's get some Takoyaki to celebrate!" He said, pulling her arm again.

"Any idea what your going to call him?" Lan Fan asked as she walked to the stand.

"Hmmm," Ling frowned, obviously giving more thought to the fish than to his own cover name. "Oh! How about Bosco?"

"Kuai, that is a ridiculous name for a fish."

He shrugged. "I don't see Bosco protesting."

They got some takoyaki, Ling trying to feed some of his to Bosco, and they visited the other booths that ranged from masks to dart games for children.

There was also a matchmaking booth. Ling turned to Lan Fan, a raise eyebrow accompanied by a flirtatious smirk.

"No." She said firmly, certain her face matched her robes.

"Come on! Just for fun?"

She glared at him. "That is far from my idea of fun."

"You're making Bosco sad." Ling said, holding up the goldfish once again.

"He's a fish, he can deal with it."

"But how is he supposed to live his life not knowing if his momma and papa are supposed to be together?"

If Lan Fan's face did not match her robes before, it certainly did now.

"Y-You seem tired, Kuai, you must not know what your saying," Lan Fan stammered, although Ling's smirk said he knew _exactly_ what he was saying. "You need to get to bed, or a _very_ cold bath."

"Alright," Ling said, shrugging. "It's past little Bosco's bed time anyway. Time to head home,"

They took the same route the came from, lined with bushes and a small pond. Lan Fan did not turn to look back at Ling as they walked, but she heard him talking to Bosco.

"Momma can be so cold, can't she, Bosco?" He said. "I just want our son to be happy,"

"He is a _fish_, Young Master, and his parents are fish, as well!" She said bluntly, Her face still burning.

She heard no response to this, and she thought she had finally put an end to the absurdity.

Well, until she heard a splash like the ones princes make when they fall in ponds.

She spun around, already panicking. In her head, she tried to figure out how long it had been since his last meal. They had takoyaki, but how long ago was that? Half an hour? One Hour?

At the edge of the pond, she was perplexed by Bosco's bowl being set carefully on a rock so that it would not fall in. Had Ling collapsed, He would have dropped the bowl as well.

Sure enough, Ling poked his head out of the water, smiling.

"You said I needed a cold bath." He said nonchalantly.

Lan Fan gawked at him. "Are you insane? You almost gave me a heart attack!"

Ling shrugged, which seemed to be his favorite thing that night. "I judged wanted to follow your advice. You should jump in too, it's quite nice."

Lan Fan started to protest, but he added, "You know, Fuu's gonna wonder how I'm the only one with wet hair."

Lan Fan sighed. She dipped her foot in the water. It was surprisingly deep for a pond, with no shallows around the edges. Closing her eyes, she jumped in.

When she came back up, Ling was right next to her.

"See? It's not that bad," He said, brushing a strand of soaked hair away from her face.

Lan Fan blushed again, which was her least favorite thing to do that night. "Grandfather would kill us if he knew about this."

"He wouldn't kill us! After all, I'm the Yao clan's heir, and you're the only on that can keep me in line."

"If I could keep you in line, we wouldn't be here."

"True, but I know you try your best." He said sweetly. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, an odd thing when they were in a pond.

"Young Master, um, what are you doing?" She managed to say, her mind too jumbled to say anything else.

"Rewarding you,"

Without saying anything else, he pressed his lips against against her cheek, stopping all thought processes in her mind, except for whatever part controlled the skin of her face. He pulled away, looking at her m, waiting for her to say something.

When she did not, he turned towards the shore.

"It's okay, Bosco! Momma and Papa have stopped fighting!"

Then she felt like punching him.


	2. Tale Two: Drink and Dial

**The True Tale of How an (future) Emperor (kind of) Seduced His Guard Single-Handedly (With The Help of Alcohol and an Alchemist) Over the Phone (Not Really) in One Night**

**(alternative title: Drink and Dial)**

Edward Elric was beginning to think that if he wanted something to happen, he should not count on it. He did not count on Greed dragging him to some nameless, seedy bar, he did not count on Greed using how Ling looked older than he was to his advantage, and he did not count on a very drunk Ling to be the dominant half that night. He also did not count on a drunk Ling being twice as obnoxious as a sober one.

"You've got some fine women here in Amestris," Ling said, his arm around Ed's shoulder and his speech slurred. Ed tried to stay stoic, but he knew whom Ling was going to bring up next. "Winry especially! Woo boy, blonde hair and blue eyes ain't something you see in Xing. Them work clothes are great too-"

"Okay, no more booze for you, idiot," Ed interrupted, pulling Ling's mug from his hand. For a moment, it seemed Ling was horrified by the loss of his liquor, but in the next instant, he was over it and continuing his ramble.

"a' course, Xingese Women are the best. No doubt there," he said, smirking as if he knew everything. Ed propped up his head with his hand; not even bothering to look interested, thinking the Ling probably would just go on until he fainted.

"Ya'know, if you keep it a secret," Ling said, leaning towards Ed and looking as serious as a drunken man could. "I'll tell 'ya who the best Xing lady is,"

"Who?" Ed asked flatly.

Ling looked to the right and the left, as if someone actually cared. Then he whispered, "Lan Fan,"

Ed's eyebrow shot up "Really?" he had expected some random name He had never heard, not Ling's temperamental female body guard.

"You sound surprised! How offensive," Ling went on, posing as if he were delivering an important speech. "Lan Fan is epitome of Xingese women! She is beautiful and graceful in all that She does,"

"Yeah, like trying to break my freaking arm," Ed mumbled.

"Well, Ed, _you_ started the fight,"

"Whatever," Ed said, rolling his eyes, you started it by signaling your guards in the first place, he thought.

"I miss Lan Fan!" Ling burst out, hitting his head against the table. "Eeeeeeed, can't you tell me which mechanic she went to?" he whined.

"Just because my gir- er, best friend is an automail mechanic doesn't mean I know every mechanic in Amestris!"

A man from the table next to them leaned over, and from the way his face was flushed, he was probably just as drunk as Ling.

"Hey, I know somebody that's friends with a mechanic. Says there's some chick from Xing that wants to finish rehab in six months,"

"You got the mechanics number?" Ling asked, his face still affixed to the table.

"Why, yes sir, I do!" the man said, grabbing a napkin from the dispenser on his table. He paused for a moment, "Uh, either a'ya'll gotta pen?"

"Well, uh . . . Ed, do you have one?"

"Nope," Ed said, starting be slightly amused.

"Well, we must solve this obstacle at once!" Ling declared, standing up with bravado, "Come, my good man, and you'll be famous in all of Xing,"

The two men set of on their quest, staggering from table to table before finally receiving a pen from the bartender. He made a point for them to return it, but from his expression, Ed knew he was not expecting them to remember. After some grand cheering from Ling, and a phone number written in twice the amount of time it should take, followed by more cheers and a promise to record the man in the great history books of Xing, Ling returned to His and Ed's table with a look of sheer triumph.

"Why do you look so damn proud?"

"Because, Man Who Fed A Shoe to The Emperor, you doubted Lan Fan, and I'll now prove ya' wrong," He stumbled a bit, catching himself on the table. "Think I saw a phone somewhere 'round here,"

Ed took a moment to consider the situation. No doubt, Ling was going to make a bigger fool of himself than when he was sober, and on top of that, it would be to a girl he had not seen in quite a while. Ed was not an expert on women, but he knew that a drunken phone call was not the kind of communication a girl would want after so long. He would get five wrenches to the head if he tried that with Winry.

Then again, it had been quite a pain to travel with Greed, not to mention the constant switching of souls. Not to mention Ling had run up Ed's room service bill and caused the destruction in Rush Valley. Throwing his conscience to the wind, Ed stood up.

"Alright, your highness. Allow me to show you to the nearest phone,"

Alphonse had told her that the recovery was hell, but Lan Fan figured that the great desert was truly hell on earth and automail could be no worse. It turned out she was wrong.

The desert was dry, with unbearable heat and almost no life, but she had water, her grandfather, Ling, and a long, cool night to rest in. With automail, there was no break. The new nerve connections never stopped hurting, except for when she was sleeping. Even the most basic of tasks was almost impossible at first. She had written a couple short letters to home she was thankful she had been born right-handed.

"Lan Fan!" Her mechanic called from the kitchen, "You have a phone call!"

Lan Fan sat up on the couch where she had been resting, confused. She had not given the phone number out to anyone, for she herself did not know it. She stood up, wincing as she unintentionally jostled her left shoulder. As she walked into the kitchen, her mechanic gave her a look of confusion. Lan Fan shrugged, equally stumped. She took the phone, trying to ignore the urge to mess with the cord with her new hand. Her mechanic left the room, mumbling something about it being to late to up.

"Hello?" she asked cautiously.

"LAAAAAN FAAAANNN" said a merry voice on the other said of the line. "I've missed you sooooo much!"

Lan Fan paused. She knew senses could play games with the mind, but she definitely knew the voice she was hearing.

"Young Master?" She asked, shocked. "Where are, how did you, where are you calling from?" she rambled, barely able to form a coherent question.

"I dunno, some place Greed took me to," He answered. "Great liquor here, cheap too,"

"Oh god," Lan fan groaned, "You're drunk aren't you?"

"Don't say it like that! Say, uh, um," He paused, "Ah, merrily intoxicated!"

"The point remains,"

"I dun wanna fight, Lan Fan," Ling whined, sounding genuinely hurt.

Lan Fan sighed, "Well, you should have waited until you were sober to call,"

"But it's been so long! Besides" Ling said, shifting his voice to a seductive tone, "It's been so cold lately. Reminds me of when Ed made us stay in that tent in Central. We had to share one blanket and-"

"Do not," Lan Fan interrupted, her face burning, "mention that in public!"

"Don't worry, Ed's the only one paying attention,"

Lan Fan could hear the alchemist protest, "Don't bring me into you lover's tiff!" She made a mental note to punch him if they ever met again.

"Anyway, we snuggled really* close, 'cause it was pretty cold that night, then I kissed you and then, well you got a bit mad first, but you kissed me back." he went on,

"You're a really great kisser, and your skin's pretty soft for a fighter,"

Lan Fan's grip on the phone tightened, her face burning even more, It had* been a fantastic night, and remembering it did give her a warm feeling,

No, no, do not think about it, she thought. Ling was still rambling, going off topic sometimes but quickly coming back.

"Young Master, please, Grandfather could come in at any moment," she interrupted.

"Eh, he probably already knows anyway. I gotta feeling he knows everything, just doesn't say it,"

"Well, thank you for reinforcing that paranoia," Lan Fan said, sighing. She really needed to figure out how to end this conversation. She ran her free hand through her hair, ignoring the pain. She was too flustered to think clearly.

"You know what? You should where your hair down more, you look really pretty that way, and-"

"Ling," Lan Fan interrupted. Ling stopped. She did not address him by his name often, if ever. She had not really planned on it, but she did not have any other ideas. Going with it was probably her best option.

"Yeah?" Ling asked, still surprised.

"Forget what I said earlier, I'm really happy you called," she said, trying to mimic his seductive tone. "I mean, really* happy."

"Well, um, I, uh," he stammered. She smiled, please that he was getting as flustered as she was.

"I've been thinking of you a lot, but," she went on, hoping to leave him dumbfounded. "There are some things I just don't want to say over the phone,"

Ling did not stammer this time, and instead he was ready to pounce.

"Oh, you don't gotta say it. Just whisper it. Come on," he lowered his voice, "I want to hear those sweet nothings,"

Lan Fan frowned. Her idea backfired, and She felt like an idiot. She could not give up though; she had to keep going.

"Oh, y-you can be a good boy and wait, can't you?" she managed to say, trying to keep from getting too flustered.

"Not really, but I guess I don't have a choice,"

"Well, I suppose I should go to bed, to rest and get better quickly,"

"Bed sounds delightful*," Ling said suggestively. Lan Fan was sure her face as red as a tomato by then.

"Goodnight, Ling," She said.

"Goodnight, sexy darling,"

One of the benefits of being a homunculus was the absence of a hangover, but Ling was worried about the gaping hole in his memory. Ed, Darius, and Heinkel were all still asleep, so he had no one to ask. Struggling to keep hold over his body, he rummaged around in his pocket. What he found was a crumbled sheet of paper with a telephone number on it. He cringed. He said stupid things when he was sober, he almost did not want to know what he said when he was drunk. Greed offered no answers, so he would have to find out himself.

Ling found his was into town, and with some spare change he somehow had, used a payphone. He was anxious as the phone rant, not knowing who was on the other side. Eventually, someone picked up.

"Hello?" Said a voice a voice he instantly recognized.

"Lan Fan?" he asked, surprised.

"Oh, hello, Young Master, are you sober now?"

Ling sighed, "I called you last night, didn't I?"

"Yes," she said bluntly.

"I didn't say anything too* idiotic, did I?" he asked hopefully. She paused, and Ling cringed again. That was not a good sign.

"Well, you didn't sing." she said. Ling smiled. She continued, "Or mention Bosco."

Ling laughed a bit, "Well, I'm sorry about, uh, whatever I said,"

"I understand,"

They were silent for a bit. Ling watched the people walking around outside. There were little kids running after each other in a game of tag, a businessman with a briefcase walking hurriedly, a mother walking with a stroller, and a couple that look a little older than he walking arm in arm does.

"I miss you," Ling said sadly as he watched the couple walk into a cafe.

"I miss you, too." Lan Fan said, just as sadly.

"Hurry up and get better, okay?" he asked, trying to smile even though she could not see it.

"I'll try, Young Master," she said, and Ling had a feeling she was trying to smile as well.

"I'll see you soon enough," he said.

"Yes," she said. Ling knew she was blushing.

They exchanged goodbyes, and hung up. Ling sighed contently.

"You're such a sap," Greed teased.

"I know," Ling said, his smile widening as he watched the man of the couple kneel down on one knee before his girlfriend.

**AN: Yes, there had to be fluff at the end! I'm a fluffy writer. I hope you enjoyed the second tale!**


End file.
